Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): Amos, that's the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me.
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): I know.
Theodore Ogelvie: Three bitty kids with shovels walk right into our hideout and get the drop on us.
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): I know.
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): And you burnt my hand, Amos.
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): Well, I'm sorry about that.
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): And you scorched a hole in my best shirt!
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): Well, I can fix that.
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): [suddenly blows his top] Why did you tell me those three bitty kids were a posse?
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): Well, I thought I saw them hiding down there in the bushes.
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): Oh, you couldn't see through a barbed-wire fence!
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): Theodore?
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): That head of yours wouldn't hold straw!
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): Theodore?
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): You couldn't sell hacksaws in a jail!
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): How much money do you figure that dude's got in front of him?
Theodore Ogelvie: About five hundred.
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): Five hundred? Wow! You know, that'll be, uh, that's two hundred apiece!
John Wintle: Donovan! I haven't seen you since, ah...
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): Santa Fe.
John Wintle: Right!
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): When you sold me the Marshal's horse.
John Wintle: Right. I was just funnin', Donovan.
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): The Marshal wasn't amused.
Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): This court is now in session, the Honorable Homer McCoy presiding. Theodore Ogelvie, Amos Tucker, you're charged with attempted bank robbery. How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): Not guilty?
Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): Guilty!
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): That was the wrong one.
Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): This court sentences you to be hung by the neck until dead. And I'm fining you an extra ten bucks for perjury. Let 'em out.
[Amos and Ted are let out of the cage]
Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): Be down at the old oak tree near Boot Hill at twelve o'clock sharp for your hanging. And bring your own rope.
Theodore Ogelvie (Don Knotts): You know something, Amos?
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): Huh?
Theodore Ogelvie (Don Knotts): We got to make a decision.
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): What?
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): Does the Hash Knife Outfit throw in its hand? Or do we go out in a blaze of glory?
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): Right! Uh, just what do you mean... blaze of glory?
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): Fighting till the last man's killed! What's it going to be, pard?
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): You know that jail in Santa Fe wasn't all that bad.
Theodore Ogelvie (Don Knotts): You know something, Amos? The Lord poured your brains in with a teaspoon, and somebody joggled His arm. I keep trying to tell you we ain't got no lead to throw, and no powder to throw it with.
Sheriff Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): If you need a haircut, Wintle, my barbershop's closed. If you're lookin' to sue somebody, my court's open every Tuesday. If you want the sheriff, I'm playin' poker. Deuces bet a dollar.
Donovan: [looking skyward, trying to talk to God] What have I done to deserve this?
Clovis: Who are you talking to?
Donovan: It doesn't matter. I don't think He's listening to me anyway.
Theodore (Don Knotts): Will you stop tryin' to think!
Theodore (Don Knotts): It's a piece of cake.
Amos (Tim Conway): You mean it ain't gold?
Sheriff McCoy: You're rear end's on fire, Theodore.
Theodore (Don Knotts): Oh. Thank you.
[Jumps and frantically slaps fire out; glares at Amos]
Theodore (Don Knotts): Why didn't you tell me my rear end was on fire?
Amos (Tim Conway): Well, you said not to do anything to attract attention.
Bobby: Where's your friend?
Theodore (Don Knotts): He better be in another county!
Sheriff McCoy: You two couldn't steal candy from a baby without coming out on the short end.
Sheriff McCoy: That's two bits.
Barbershop Customer: But I've only got half a shave!
Sheriff McCoy: A whole shave's four bits. Now git before I fine you for loitering.
Bobby: We want you to have our gold nugget.
Amos (Tim Conway): What gold nugget is that?
Bobby: The one you tried to steal.
Amos (Tim Conway): Oh, that gold nugget.
Amos (Tim Conway): Uh, still aren't mad 'cause I shot you in the leg, are you, Frank?
John Wintle: I'm leaving for San Francisco tonight.
Sheriff McCoy: San Francisco's loss is Quake City's gain.
Celia Bradley: When Mr. Stockley gets mad, he uses words I've never heard before.
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