(guarding a speakeasy) Chico : Who are you? Groucho : I'm fine, thanks, who are you? Chico : I'm fine too, but you can't come in unless you give the password. Groucho : Well, what is the password? Chico : Aw, no. You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It's the name of a fish. Groucho : Is it Mary? Chico : Ha-ha. That's-a no fish. Groucho : She isn't, well, she drinks like one. Let me see. Is it sturgeon? Chico : Hey you crazy. Sturgeon, he's a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance. Groucho : I got it. Haddock. Chico : That's-a funny. I gotta haddock, too. Groucho : What do you take for a haddock? Chico : Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a Calamel. Groucho : Say, I'd walk a mile for a Calamel. Chico : You mean chocolate calamel. I like that too, but you no guess it. Hey, what's-a matter, you no understand English? You can't come in here unless you say "swordfish." Now I'll give you one more guess.
(To himself) Chico : Hah. That's-a it. You guess it. Groucho : Pretty good, eh?
Chico : You gotta brother? Mullen : No. Chico : You gotta sister? Mullen : Yeah. Chico : Well-a, you sister, she's a very sick man, you better come with us. Mullen : Yeah? What happened to her? Chico : She hadda accident in her automobile. McCarthy : Ah, she has no automobile. Chico : Well-a, maybe she's-a fall off-a horse. I don't-a look very close. Come on, we take you in our car. Mullen : You will, eh? Well, I have no sister. Chico : That's all right. We no gotta car. Come on.
(Groucho is looking in a microscope.) Groucho : What do you think of that slide? Groucho : Well, I think he was safe at second, but it was very close.
Thelma Todd : Oh, Professor, you're full of whimsy. Groucho : Can you notice it from there? I'm always that way after I eat radishes.
Groucho : Tomorrow we start tearing down the dormitories. The Professors : But Professor. Where will the students sleep? Groucho : Where they always sleep. In the classroom.
Zeppo : Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son. Groucho : My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm ashamed to be your father. You're a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.
Groucho : Who was that? Thelma Todd : The ice man. Groucho : Is that so? Well, you can't pull the wool over my ice.
Groucho : You know you've got the brain of a four-year old child, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Groucho : I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
Professor : The trustees have a few suggestions they would like to submit to you. Groucho : I think you know what the trustees can do with their suggestions.
(in canoe) Groucho : I was gonna get a flat bottom but the girl at the boat house didn't have one.
Groucho : You know, this is the first time I've been out in a canoe since I saw "The American Tragedy."
Biology Professor : Here is the liver. Groucho : What, no bacon? I'd send that back if I were you.
Thelma Todd : If icky baby don't learn about the football signals, icky baby gonna cwy. Groucho : If icky girl keep on talking that way, big stwong man's gonna kick all of her teef wight down her fwoat.
Groucho : I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.
(Groucho, falsely accusing a young female student, even though Harpo is raising his hand to plead guilty) Groucho : I know you didn't, but it's no fun keeping him after school!!!
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