Funny movie quotes from the Marx Brothers’ classic movie, Monkey Business

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Groucho : Afraid? Me? A man who’s licked his weight in wild caterpillars? AFRAID? You bet I’m afraid!

Groucho : Oh, I know it’s a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Groucho : Mrs. Briggs, I’ve known and respected your husband Alky for many years. And what’s good enough for him is good enough for me. (He suddenly grabs her and pulls her down onto a couch.)

Groucho : ...Columbus was sailing along on his vessel…
Chico : On his what?
Groucho : Not on his what, on his vessel. Don’t you know what vessel is?
Chico : Sure, I can vessel ... (starts whistling)

Groucho : That’s what I always say. Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo

Groucho : Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.

Groucho : How about you and I passing out on the veranda, or would you rather pass out here?
Woman at party : Sir, you have the advantage of me.
Groucho : Not yet I haven’t, but wait till I get you outside.

(Describing the stowaways)
Groucho : So do I. If I had my choice I’d go around with a little blonde.
Captain Concoran : I said, one goes around with a black moustache.
Groucho : Well, you couldn’t expect a moustache to go around by itself. Don’t you think a moustache ever gets lonely, Captain?
Chico : Hey, sure it gets-a lonely. Hey, when my grandfather’s beard gets here I’d like it to meet your moustache.
Groucho : Well, I’ll think it over. I’ll talk it over with my moustache. Tell me, has your grandfather’s beard got any money?
Chico : Money? Why, he fell hair to a fortune.

Groucho : Your father and Columbus were partners?
Chico : You bet.
Groucho : Columbus has been dead four hundred years.
Chico : Well, they told me it was my father.

Groucho : If this is the Captain, I’m gonna have a few words with him. My hot water’s been cold for three days. And I haven’t got room enough in here to swing a cat. In fact, I haven’t even got a cat.

Groucho : Are you the floorwalker of this ship? I want to register a complaint.
Captain Corcoran: Why? What’s the matter?
Groucho : Matter enough. You know who sneaked into my stateroom at three o’clock this morning?
Captain Corcoran: Who did that?
Groucho : Nobody, and that’s my complaint.

Groucho : Oh, engineer? Will you tell them to stop the boat from rocking, I’m going to have lunch.

Groucho : You’re just wasting your breath, and that’s no great loss either.

Groucho : If you look at it, it’s a barn. If you smell it, it’s a stable.

Thelma Todd : But from the time he got the marriage license, I’ve lead a dog’s life.
Groucho : Are you sure he didn’t get a dog’s license?

Chico : Well, it’s better to have lost in love than never to have lost at all.
Groucho : Good work.

Groucho (in a barn): Where’s all those farmer’s daughters I’ve been hearing about for years?

Groucho : I know, heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns.

Groucho : With a little study you’ll go a long ways, and I wish you’d start now.

Groucho : You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar.

Gibson, First Mate: Who are you?
Groucho : I’m the tailor.
Gibson, First Mate: Oh, that reminds me, where are my pants?
Groucho : You’ve got ‘em on.

Groucho : Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much?”

Groucho : Madam, before I get through with you, you will have a clear case for divorce, and so will my wife.

Manicurist: Do you want your nails trimmed long?
Chico : Oh, about an hour and a half. I got nothin’ to do.

Groucho : Oh no, you’re not gonna get me off this bed.
Thelma Todd: I didn’t know you were a lawyer. You’re awfully shy for a lawyer.
Groucho : You bet I’m shy. I’m a shyster lawyer.