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Clean Funny Jokes - actual answering machine messages

Speak.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi, I’m not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?
Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine.. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I’m avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we’re at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it is safe to leave us a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Helga. We can’t pick up phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Helga likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you.