Funny movie quotes from The Private Eyes, co-starring Tim Conway and Don Knotts

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Funny Quotes from The Private Eyes (1981), co-starring Don Knotts and Tim Conway

Dr. Tart (Tim Conway): [Reading a note next to the dead Hilda]Hilda is dead, and here’s something to note. You can’t bury her at sea, ‘cause her bosoms will float.

Justin: This is Inspector Winship and Dr. Tart. They were in the yard.
Inspector Winshop (Don Knotts): That’s FROM the Yard.

Mr. Uwatsum: You want a hummingbird cookie?
Dr. Tart (Tim Conway): No thank you.
Mr. Uwatsum: How about a bowl of fish eyes?
Dr. Tart (Tim Conway): Uh… no.

Inspector Winshop (Don Knotts): For a short person, you have long sentences.

Dr. Tart (Tim Conway): You want another glass of pus?
Inspector Winshop (Don Knotts): No I don’t want another glass of pus!

Inspector Winshop (Don Knotts): You know, I have an idea. Whoever wrote that letter must have read about us in the newspaper.
Dr. Tart (Tim Conway): What is it?
Inspector Winshop (Don Knotts): What’s what?
Dr. Tart (Tim Conway): The idea you have?
Inspector Winshop (Don Knotts): I just told you!
Dr. Tart (Tim Conway): What was it?
Inspector Winshop (Don Knotts): Whoever wrote that letter must have read about us in the newspaper.
Dr. Tart (Tim Conway): Right! Now that letter was signed ‘Lord Morley’. So he must have read about us in the newspaper and called us in to solve his murder.
Inspector Winshop (Don Knotts): How could Lord Morley write us after he was already dead?
Dr. Tart (Tim Conway): Right! You know what? Maybe whoever killed Lord Morley wrote that letter.
Inspector Winshop (Don Knotts): If you killed Lord Morley would you write to someone and ask them to find the killer?
Dr. Tart (Tim Conway): Are you saying *I* killed Lord Morley?
Inspector Winshop (Don Knotts): (aggravated) No! I’m saying you kill me!

Dr. Tart (Tim Conway): [reading the note from Jock’s killer] If Jock could talk, he’d give you a clue. But now that he’s dead, what can you do? He deserved what he got, I don’t regret it a bit. By the way, you’re standing in bull ca-ca.

Dr. Tart (Tim Conway): [reading the note from the killer] I said when I died, that I’d come back. If you believe in ghosts, you’re on the right track. I’m out of the grave, and roaming the moores. If you want to be safe, you better lock all the windows and screens.

Doll voice: Listen up dummies. The help is all gone, the house is bare. Now you know, a shadow is there. There’s one left to die, then my job’ll be done. I like killing people, it’s a lotta kicks!

Dr. Tart (Tim Conway): [reading the note from Uwatsum’s killer] In this house, it’s hard to survive. Some’ll be dead, who are now alive. Mr. Uwatsum is gone, ‘cause he knew too much. Bye for now, but rest assured we’ll keep in constant contact with each other.

Dr. Tart (Tim Conway): [reading the tombstone engraved by Tibet’s killer] To dig your own grave, is quite a sight. But to bury yourself, is not very bright. There are more to kill, and the job’ll be done. Now there are five, soon there’ll be a lot less.

Dr. Tart (Tim Conway): [reading the note from Lord Morley] Now you will see, I can do something right. I’m going to show you, a killer tonight. I want Phyllis to come to my chamber, and see. Who what the one, who murdered Lady Morley and myself.