Mom’s Dictionary

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A “mom’s dictionary” for every working mother—which, technically, is every mother in the world.

AIRPLANE:

What Mom impersonates to get a 1 year old to eat strained peas.

ALIEN:

What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

BABY:

1. Dad, when he gets a cold.
2. Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.

BECAUSE:

Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.

BED & BREAKFAST:

Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET:

Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CAR POOL:

Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

DATE:

Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS:

Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUMBWAITER:

One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

EAR:

A place where kids store dirt.

ENERGY:

Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

FABLE:

A story told by a toddler when asked who broke the expensive vase.

FULL NAME:

What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

GENIUSES:

Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.

GUM:

Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER:

A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES:

Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HINDSIGHT:

What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

“I SAID SO”:

Reason enough, according to Mom.

JACKPOT:

When all the kids stay at Grandma’s for the night.

JUNK:

Things belonging to Dad .

KISS:

Magic Mom medicine.

MAYBE:

No.

OPEN:

The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.

“OW":

The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

QUIET:

A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

SCREAMING:

Home P.A. system.

SHOW OFF:

A child who is more talented than yours.

TOP BUNK:

Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

UTOPIA:

See “BUBBLE BATH”

VACATION:

Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

WALLS:

Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

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