Red Skelton’s recipe for the perfect marriage

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A well-known routine of Red Skelton’s.

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me “In the lake.”
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?” .... The driver said “No, jump in!”
Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault though! My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust!”