Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners | clean funny jokes | clown ministry

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I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I’m so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I’m very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.
I’m so ugly, my mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid, there are so many places they can hide.”
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I’m so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.
I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
I went to the doctor because I’d accidentally swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills. My, doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.