Review of Horse Feathers, starring Groucho Marx, Chico Marx, Harpo Marx, Zeppo Marx, Thelma Todd

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First, imagine the Marx Brothers attending college. Now, imagine Groucho as the president of the college, Zeppo as his son, and Harpo and Chico as the newest additions to the college football team—recruited by mistake, of course. Now, imagine the beautiful Thelma Todd, trying to weasel the team’s football signals from Zeppo and Groucho in her well-known vampish way. And now, imagine the big football game, with the Marx Brothers on field, pulling out all the stops to defeat the other side. What do you get for all your imaginings? Horse Feathers, of course.

Classic moments include Groucho telling Harpo that he can’t burn the candle at both ends, only to have Harpo pull a candle out of a pocket, lit at both ends; Harpo and Chico trying to kidnap the two best players from the other team, only to be kidnapped themselves; Groucho trying to teach a biology class, despite Harpo and Chico’s distractions, only to end in a three way peashooter fight; Harpo entering the football field riding a chariot, and throwing banana peels in front of the other players; and a classic exchange between Groucho and Chico at the door of a speakeasy. Also, Chico’s piano and Harpo’s harp make their normal appearances.

Funny movie quotes from the Marx Brothers’ Horse Feathers:

(guarding a speakeasy)
Chico : Who are you?
Groucho : I’m fine, thanks, who are you?
Chico : I’m fine too, but you can’t come in unless you give the password.
Groucho : Well, what is the password?
Chico : Aw, no. You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It’s the name of a fish.
Groucho : Is it Mary?
Chico : Ha-ha. That’s-a no fish.
Groucho : She isn’t, well, she drinks like one. Let me see. Is it sturgeon?
Chico : Hey you crazy. Sturgeon, he’s a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance.
Groucho : I got it. Haddock.
Chico : That’s-a funny. I gotta haddock, too.
Groucho : What do you take for a haddock?
Chico : Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a Calamel.
Groucho : Say, I’d walk a mile for a Calamel.
Chico : You mean chocolate calamel. I like that too, but you no guess it. Hey, what’s-a matter, you no understand English? You can’t come in here unless you say "swordfish." Now I’ll give you one more guess.
(To himself)
Chico : Hah. That’s-a it. You guess it.
Groucho : Pretty good, eh?

Chico : You gotta brother?
Mullen : No.
Chico : You gotta sister?
Mullen : Yeah.
Chico : Well-a, you sister, she’s a very sick man, you better come with us.
Mullen : Yeah? What happened to her?
Chico : She hadda accident in her automobile.
McCarthy : Ah, she has no automobile.
Chico : Well-a, maybe she’s-a fall off-a horse. I don’t-a look very close. Come on, we take you in our car.
Mullen : You will, eh? Well, I have no sister.
Chico : That’s all right. We no gotta car. Come on.

(Groucho is looking in a microscope.)
Groucho : What do you think of that slide?
Groucho : Well, I think he was safe at second, but it was very close.
Thelma Todd : Oh, Professor, you’re full of whimsy.
Groucho : Can you notice it from there? I’m always that way after I eat radishes.

Groucho : Tomorrow we start tearing down the dormitories.
The Professors : But Professor. Where will the students sleep?
Groucho : Where they always sleep. In the classroom.

Zeppo : Dad, let me congratulate you. I’m proud to be your son.
Groucho : My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I’m ashamed to be your father. You’re a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.

Groucho : Who was that?
Thelma Todd : The ice man.
Groucho : Is that so? Well, you can’t pull the wool over my ice.

Groucho : You know you’ve got the brain of a four-year old child, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Groucho : I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.

Professor : The trustees have a few suggestions they would like to submit to you.
Groucho : I think you know what the trustees can do with their suggestions.

(in canoe)
Groucho : I was gonna get a flat bottom but the girl at the boat house didn’t have one.

Groucho : You know, this is the first time I’ve been out in a canoe since I saw "The American Tragedy."

Biology Professor : Here is the liver.
Groucho : What, no bacon? I’d send that back if I were you.

Thelma Todd : If icky baby don’t learn about the football signals, icky baby gonna cwy.
Groucho : If icky girl keep on talking that way, big stwong man’s gonna kick all of her teef wight down her fwoat.

Groucho : I think you’ve got something there, but I’ll wait outside until you clean it up.

(Groucho, falsely accusing a young female student, even though Harpo is raising his hand to plead guilty)
Groucho : I know you didn’t, but it’s no fun keeping him after school!!!

Trivia about the Marx Brothers’ Horse Feathers:

When Groucho Marx is broadcasting on the radio, the man next to him at the typewriter is Groucho’s friend/writer Arthur Sheekman.
In the last half of the movie Chico is limping. During the making of the movie, Chico was in a car accident and his kneecap was shattered.

Editorial Review of Horse Feathers (courtesy of Amazon.com)

Imagine Groucho as the president of a college and Harpo and Chico as football players. It doesn’t get much wackier than this. Horse feathers, indeed. Groucho is hilarious to watch as a hip professor. He’s at his most rebellious singing "Whatever it is, I’m against it." Thelma Todd does some of her best vamping to help fix the big football game, which Harpo and Chico are supposed to throw. Naturally, the brothers have other ideas. For sheer laughter, this has to rate almost as high as Duck Soup , with the memorable speakeasy sequence, and the funniest football finale of all time, complete with banana peels and a chariot. --Bill Desowitz