The World According To Student Bloopers
A collection of student bloopers, strung togther to form an interest 'history' of the worldOne of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. Here are pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot…
- The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. - The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother’s son?" God asked Abraham to
sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birthmark. Jacob was a partriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partriarch, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph,
gave refuse to the Israelites. - Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to
get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. - Without the Greeks, we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad," by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity," in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
- In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
- Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
- The Renaissace was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
- The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he has an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir-gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went
out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. - The greatest writer of the Renaissance was Willian Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear’s famous Hamlet rations out his situation by
relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac-beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great
author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote, "Paradise Regained." - During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Sante Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim’s Progress. When they
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their hoops before them. Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, with proved very fatal to them. - The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
- The First World War, cause by the assignation of the ArchDuck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
- The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented to code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered the cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species." Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
- The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Vistoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
- France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song for the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic
Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and way very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine
was a baroness, she couldn’t bear him any children. - Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy." Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the
world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. - Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave
the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Cluz Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. The believed assanator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career. - George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
- Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of break under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. - One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During thw War, Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
- Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally,
the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. - In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter-ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
Posted by Tom Raymond, aka Raynbow on 11/21 at 10:18 AM
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