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Dear Dogs,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not automatically stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the other end is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help either because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I’m very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I’m also aware that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years - canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and like to Complain About Our Pets

They live here. You don’t.
If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (that’s why they call it "fur"niture.)
To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly. Dogs are better than kids…
- Dogs eat less
- Dogs don’t ask for money all the time
- Dogs are easier to train
- Dogs usually come when called
- Dogs never drive your car
- Dogs don’t hang out with drug-using friends (unless the cat that also lives here has a cat-nip addiction, but that won’t kill him/her).
- Dogs don’t smoke or drink
- Dogs don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions
- Dogs don’t wear your clothes
- Dogs don’t need a gazillion dollars for university
- If the dogs get pregnant, you can sell the children.